this broken thing

dear allagawdah,

it’s really not that complicated.  about 3 years ago, you (and i) had a hand in breaking my heart.  smashing it to smithereens, really.  it sucked.  so even nowadays, although i look perfectly whole on the outside, the truth is that i’m carrying around this broken thing.  the pieces, they just sort of came back together all misshapen with scar tissue.  when i smile, i wonder how the cracks show.  that being said, i stopped loving — that deep, scary in-loving thing.  instead, i started choosing unavailable women.  they gave me a new protection.  maybe i’ve always been choosing the unavailable.  maybe i wasn’t ready.  not totally able to “put the blinders on” – hand over this new, healed thing, because i just don’t know what more damage it could survive.  but it’s strong.  and resilient.  as am i.  so this is just the beginning.  i am taking this moment to stop, turn and look inside.  i had forgotten.  this broken thing.  was still there.  so now we can start the healing.  with loving.

serena

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